


My Immorstuck

by ThatPeskyBoat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave Eliz'beth Taylor Swift Panini Rainbow Dash Strider, I am so sorry for this, I'm so so sorry, It's a My Immortal parody that is literally going to make no sense, It's for a thing, It's not a serious work please don't hate me., Other, This is going to end up derailing so hard later I can just feel it, i'm back on my shit again lmao, i'm sorry everyone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 08:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12128715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatPeskyBoat/pseuds/ThatPeskyBoat
Summary: Dave Strider hates preps. Will he find love in the gothic guy with a weird skin condition and who constantly wears cosplay horns? Or will he find it in someone else?





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder: This is a joke parody. Please don't take this seriously because I don't even take myself seriously.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz its a parody) 2 my bf (ew not in that way) Hussie, author of homstuck 4 makin this story possibel. U rok! Me ur da luv of my deprzzing life that got moar deprzzing after writin this but u rok 2! HOMSTUK ROX!

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My name is Dave Eliz'beth Taylor Swift Panini Rainbow Dash Strider and I have short snow white hair (that's completely unrelated to my name) in the vague shape of a bird that flicks up really cool like and firey red eyes like burning embers and a lot of people tell me I look like Max Krieger (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Drake but I wish I was because he spits some way good bars. I'm not a vampire but people think I am because of my sharp canines and pale skin. I am a comic maker though, and I make a comic called Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff which is pretty long at this point. I'm a cool guy (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear cool shades all the time. I love Etsy but only in an ironic way and I tend to wear clothes with dumb slogans on them. For example today I was wearing an out of season baseball shirt with big pen15 club written on it and a pair of rugged jeans, pink thigh socks and tatty sneakers. I would've worn a pair of headphones to listen to my music on, but it felt more ironic to blast it as loud as I could from my speakers so that I go deaf before my 18th birthday. I was walking outside of my room. The halls were covered in smuppets, which made me very uncomfortable but I didn't show it. Lil Cal stared at me. I put up my middle finger at him.

"Hey Dave!" shouted a voice. I looked out my window. It was.... Karkat Vantas!

"What's up Karkat?" I asked.

"Nothing." he yelled shyly.

But then, I heard my pesterchum go off and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. The Suffering Continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade makes her debut. Karkat makes Dave an offer he can't resist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it this is why I'm going to hell.

AN: Fangz 2 aris bc she asked me to include her in dis! BTW preps stop flamin ma stiry ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was hot as shit again. I opened the door of my closet and drank some AJ from a bottle I had. My closet was cramped and inside it was all the shit that I had forgotten about. I got out of my closet and looked over to my bed where I should've actually been sleeping. Instead, I popped my collar, walked over to my desk, and considered pissing on my turntables and bleating like a sheep. I didn't do that though (what kind of weirdo would???). I made sure that my shades were on my face (as they always were), as well as making sure that my legs were on. They were. My hair was in its usual messy but totally neat way.

My friend, Jade (AN: U all know who dis is!) pinged me on Pesterchum. She had sent me a selfie where she was grinning at me. She had long waist-length raven black hair with white ears poking out the top and had a glint in her forest-green eyes. She had put on her usual atomic t-shirt with a green full-length, odd socks and plain white sneakers. She had put on her makeup (Just kidding, I'm the one who wears makeup.)

GG: omfg i heard you were talking to karkat yesterday  
TG: yeah? so?  
GG: do you like karkat?  
TG: no i so fucking dont i am offended that you would even suggest that was a thing that could happen  
GG: yeah right!

Just then, Karkat climbed in my window.

"Hi." he yelled.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he continued to yell.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, some rapper is having a rave in the next town over." he was still yelling.

"Sick." I screamed. I love rappers. It's because I'm a cool guy, as well as the fact that I like to throw down sick bars as well.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked, but loudly.

I gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling that this is somehow going to get more and more IC as I go along and I'm going to detest myself for it.


	3. The Rave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Dave go to the concert that Karkat had promised him, but Dave gets more than he bargained for in many ways...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently i only write this when i'm really hating on myself so it's good catharsis and i think it's the only time i can actually put up with writing such cursed shit lmao

AN: STOP WITH UR SIK FIRES ON DA STORY OK! udderwise fangs 2 equius 4 makin it appropos 4 me 2 mak an udder pun. ASLO FANGS 2 U GAIS 4 DA GOOD REVIEWS! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 shake that

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On the night of the rave I put on my iconic black lace up boots with high heels and the ironic little pink bows on the side, which isn't to be confused with the black lace up boots with the unironic pink bows on the side. Underneath them were SBaHJ knee high socks. Then I put on a black leather minidress, which I then took off because although it looked fucking amazing on me, I really didn't want anyone grabbing my immaculate ass because of it. Instead, I put on my usual attire, with the exception of the boots. I smoothed my hair over to the side, feeling cool as hell as I did so. I felt like something was missing, so I took a minute to bust out my beats on my turn tables. My fingers slid across that vinyl like a speeding car on ice before scratching it back and making the sickest hotline bling remix this side of the motherfucking equator. I slid my headphones off of my head as I thought I heard a noise from outside my room, but ultimately shrugged it off as one of my bro's dumb smuppets falling onto it's plush rump in the hallway. I checked myself one last time in the mirror, pushing my shades up my nose. Perfect. I chugged an entire bottle of AJ and even though I knew that I'd definitely need to piss later on in the middle of the rave, I felt ready.

I went outside. Karkat was waiting there in front of his weird massive monster crab. He was wearing the same shit as always, but also had a massive gold chain around his neck with a pendant that said "GAY-D" (I think he was meant to be wearing one that said JAY-Z, even though he wouldn't actually be at the rave tonight), and bright orange fluorescent shoes (AN: a lot fo kewl kids wer it ok!).

"Hi Karkat!" I said in my usual flat monotonous voice.

"Hi Dave." he screamed back. We walked over to his very angry crab monster dad and attempted to sit on its back. Surprisingly it let us get on and was really fast. On the way, we yelled lyrics of random raps at each other, but it was basically buttfuck impossible to hear each other with how much the wind was trying to fuck our eardrums. When we got there, we both hopped off of the crab monster. Karkat looked windswept. My hair was still immaculate. We went to the swarm of other rap lovers and pushed our ways to the front, and jumped up and down as we listened to Eminem.

"Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good pussy and I like good trees. Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe, and I get more ass than a toilet seat. Three to the one from the one to the three, I met a bad bitch last night in the D. Let me tell you how I made her leave with me: Conversation and Hennessy." Rapped Nate Dogg, the other rapper from that song (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Fucking preach yo." I said to Karkat, just after the second line of the chorus.

Suddenly, Karkat looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we grinded to the music. Then I caught on.

"That's fucking gay dude." I said.

"Seriously what the fuck is being gay?" asked Karkat sensitively in a very loud voice and he put his arm around me all protective.

"This exact thing that you're doing right here." I said. "Besides, if you hurry up and say no homo there will be absolutely no repercussions for any bro on bro action that happens tonight." I said, hoping that he would catch on and say it before things got weird and gay.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Karkat, even though he didn't say no homo. After the concert, we spat some bars with Eminem, or at least tried to, before getting kicked out by the bouncers for harassing celebrities or some dumb shit like that. We crawled back to crab dad after having the crap kicked out of us, but Karkat didn't go back to my place, instead he told his weird crab parent thing in a series of clicks to go to................... some really fucking shady looking forest!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dread the next chapter.


	4. An Unexpected Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gets freaky. Rose is pissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters at once? sexy.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok dave's name is DVAE nut gary stu OK! KARKAT IS SOO FLUSHED 4 him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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"Strider, please excuse my language but what in the ever-loving fuck happened to you?" A pair of lilac eyes gazed at me curiously as I stood before her, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily.

"Fuck if I know, Rose. Please, just let me in." I pleaded, looking at the woman who stood before me in her own doorway: Rose Lalonde. My shades had been cracked on one lens, making looking at Rose without becoming queasy rather difficult. I pulled them off to stare her down, and she quietly beckoned me in.

"You look a mess. Did the date- I mean rave with Karkat not go according to plan?" There was a coy look about her that I didn't like.

"First off, it was a bro date. A bro-ate if you will, and I'm only calling it that ironically. Secondly, there's something super messed up happening. It's like logic itself followed in shit's footsteps and did an acrobatic fucking flip off of an oddly handle shaped diving board and into a swimming pool of backwards ass thinking and fuck all fucks to give."

"Hmm... Yes, well as much as teasing you about this sort of thing is, I agree that something beyond our comprehension is happening. Jade mentioned that she keeps feeling odd every now and then when she talks to you, and I definitely haven't been getting excellent vibes either. However, whatever's been happening isn't due to you, I don't think. In fact, I think this phenomenon is actually centred around Karkat himself."

"Yeah, no fucking shit Lalonde. You're not the one who's been finding themself writing 'Mrs Dave Vantas' repeatedly thousands of times on just about anything you can whenever he's within a two mile radius of you. So much of my shit is marked with that that it's getting ridiculous enough that i can't hide it as some ironic obsession any more. I don't even feel that way about him." I kicked off my boots, falling onto Rose's pristine couch and getting mud all over it. She'd be super pissed about it later, but I just couldn't find an iota of a fuck within me to care about it. Besides, her fury would be fucking hilarious. Note to self: keep camera application open.

"It's worse than I thought then. Before you came pounding on my chamber door so daintily, I had been conversing with some of our other gray-skinned friends, and it turns out that when they talk to Karkat, they get possessed by an overwhelming urge to follow a path that feels like a pre-planned narrative. You're the one who's been with him the most recently- Oh my god," Rose stopped to look at me, something that could be considered worry in her eyes. "Dave, nothing... exceedingly weird has happened has it? What prompted you to come here?"

I was startled by the question, and attempted to think back to what happened just after the rave. "Karkat took me to this weird backwoods and I felt... I dunno. I felt weirdly attracted to him, like I was about to jump on him and give my sweet bod over to him. I was up against a tree, and he was staring into my eyes like some kind of shitty rom-com kissing scene. Then... then I guess the spell broke and I literally legged it out of there as quick as my twinky legs could carry me. Fuck! I figured it Rose. He didn't say no homo. How could he ruin the sweet, precious, innocence bromanship of a bro-ate, Rose? How could he!?"  
Rose didn't look impressed at my hilarity as she blinked slowly, before sighing and sitting down herself, hands folded in her lap. It took her a moment, before speaking slowly, "I'm fairly sure that trolls don't actually have a concept of homosexuality, Dave, no matter their personal preferences when it comes to gender. I just don't believe it's that important to them considering the fact that they don't actually reproduce in the same way as any kind of mammal does, but rather through the mass fertilisation of-"  
"You know, as soon as you said 'mass fertilisation' I realised that I didn't want to hear any more. On a related note: do you think guy trolls have dicks?"  
"I wouldn't know, Dave, nor would I be interested; I'm a lesbian." She said, her tone as flat as it was dry.

It looked like Rose was about to say something else, when a panicked expression suddenly took over her features.  
"Do you feel that?"  
I did. There was a tug on my attention, like something was trying to distract me from how my body was moving without my permission. Soon enough, I was at the door, opening it to find... Karkat. My mouth failed to find words as he stood there. And then from behind me...

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was.................................................Rose Laldone!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gottem


End file.
